brrly babbles about social stuff because shes...not so good at it...

ok first of all how do people even start conversations??? i mean when im around my close friends i don't even have to start a conversation because i can just say whatever i want but otherwise i cant do that around other people because that's kind of awko taco and whenever i DO say something that's on my mind they usually don't respond because its so random and then i usually do a lot of hand gestures and facial expressions to show and exaggerate what im saying so i don't seem boring but then when im talking to someone ONLINE THAT DOESNT WORK??!?!? 

i usually communicate with my face and hands not my actual voice because my voice doesn't convey what imt trying to say because when i try to say what i want it doesn't come out correctly and i end up stuttering and then it makes it all awkward and then when im about to say something i don't say it because then what if the other person doesn't respond at ALL??!?! what if we sit in silence after what i said because i ended up stuttering or saying it in this really awkward tone???!?!?!?! so then i DONT SAY ANYTHING but then its dead silent so then i just dont do anything and then i just and then YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?!!?!?! AND THEN WHENEVER I WRITE MY BLOG POSTS I SEEM TO TALK A LOT RIGH?!?!?! well i would love to do that while talking to other PEOPLE BUT THEN I END UP SAYING SOMTHING THAT DOESNT LINK UP TO WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT AT ALL FOR EXAMPLE...sometimes in my blog posts i randomly mention something thats completely off topic and YEAH BUT THATS JUST HOW MY BRAIN WORKS I NEED TO GET IT ALL OUT.

i've had to search up conversation starters TWICE because I didn't know what to say and what do you know!! IT DIDNT EVEN WORK BRAH THEY WERE GOOD CONVERSATION STARTERS BUT I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO CONTINUE ON THE CONVERSATION. 

in my head i have a sarcastic tone to my voice but then in real life i don't have one AT ALL but anyways continuing on with conversations and social skills

i always have an idea and outline of what im going to say but then when i try to SAY IT I CANT??? like im trying to stick to the plan but then i say something that was NOT IN THE PLAN AT ALL?? IT WASNT PLAN A OR B OR C OR D OR E OR F OR G OR H OR I OR J OR K OR L OR M OR N OR O OR P OR Q OR S OR T OR U OR V OR W OR X OR Y OR Z!!! like when im trying to talk to someone my mind goes completely blank and the outline is gone and everything is just wiped out of my memory and then i try to talk to them but then i don't know what to say cuz my mind is blank and its all gone 

OH MY GOSH WAIT THERES THIS SONG THAT DESCRIBES HOW I FEEL WHEN I CANT TALK TO SOMEONE HERE : https://open.spotify.com/track/4gwltSjdrzKtKz9dlk2Wja?si=3e2557fc2c4549b2 

not the whole song but the part where it says "i don't know what to talk about.. how has my head just hollowed out?!??! thoughts used to orbit all around" LIKE THATS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL WHEN I TRY TO TALK TO SOMEONE OTHER THAN MY CLOSE FRIENDS because i can just say whatever i feel like without having to think twice because they know what i mean like i have this way of talking and i dont know how to describe it because then it sounds stupid but i have this way of talking and its just my way of talking so yeah! BUT ANYWAYS like i know how to start a conversation but then i cant physically and mentally do it because its just too hard girl WELL ACTUALLY ITS NOT THAT HARD i just need to stop making random noises when responding to someone and sometimes im genuinely laughing at something but then i make a really quiet laughing noise so it just sounds like "hmmmh". that sounds really stupid uhm

also yesterday my family friend was looking at my instagram and then he called one of my posts "quirky" as a joke but then thats like I DONT KNOW everything everyone says has a huge impact on me!!! anything you say could cause me to think and regret my decisions even if its just one sentence and now im scared that if he ever reads these posts he's gonna call me quirky again and i hate that feeling BECAUSE HE SAID "Oh my gosh you're so quirky!!!" IM NOT TRIYNG TO BE QUIRKY !!! IT JUST FEELS SO WEIRD WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT I FEEL SO INVALIDATED AND LIKE IM WEIRD OR SOMETHIGN BUT WAHTEVER he's cool and all but he scares me sometimes not really cuz he's actually chill im just not able to be myself around him because im scared he'll JUDGE ME

i wonder why im scared of high school boys besides the fact that theyre really scary i mean maybe its because of my family friend who I've known for 5 years back then i was one weird kid and i had a lot of older family friends so i would try to fit in with them and i would have this fake persona so MAYBE the fact that i tried to fit in with them because i was scared of being judged by them is the cause of my fear of high school boys

If you couldn't tell I overthink a lot and I keep a lot of thoughts in my head and I do tons of thinking and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of thinking and one thing a person said could cling onto me for the rest of my life but I don't hold grudges no no no!! In fact I'm very forgiving you know saying all these things makes me sound like I'm trying to seem like something I'm not and like im trying to seem quirky because imagine this girl says like "omg I'm so bad at communicating and im a nervous wreck!!" LIEK CKME ON DOEDNT THST SOUND SO QUIRKY GIRL VIBES TYPA STUFF?? I SWEAR IM NOT LIKE THST IM JUST SAYING GENUINELY SERIOUSLY ACTUSLLY I OVERTHINK A LOT EVEN IF IT DOEDNT SEEM LIKE IT but anyways like I said I'm a very forgiving person I swear I think I don't know but I forgive a lot because everyone deserves a second chance because everyone is different and everyone can change and we all make mistakes

but anyways i think to get my social skills up i have to get my anxiety of the outcome of whatever im gonna say away because YOU KNOW WHEN U LIEK MAKE A JOKE AND NOBODY LAUGHS?? THATS HAPPEDNED SO MUCH TO ME BECAUSE I MADE THE JOKE AWKWARD OR I LAUGHED AT MY JOKE ON ACCIDENT OR OSMETHING STUPID AND THEN NOBDHY LAUGHS BACK when someone makes a joke i try to force a laugh out of myself if nobody else laughs because i dont want that person to feel sad or anything because then i would feel bad for them and thats not good

ALSO IM REALLY BAD AT APOLOGIZING i swear im a good person im just bad at expressing myself because i cant TALK HELLOOO like when i do something bad or potentially hurt someone's feelings or do something stupid to embarrass myself i end up thinking about it for the rest of the day even if its already been resolved and other people have already started to move on especially if i haven't apologized yet or talked about it yet or just cleared up the situation 

but i can only apologize in real life because thats when im actually able to EXPRESS HOW GENUINELY SORRY I AM I MEAN I KNOW I JUST REPEAT "IM SORRY IM SORRY PEALSEE IM SORRY" BUT I GENUINELY MEAN IT YOU CAN TELL BY THE TONE OF MY VOICE i mean just imagine me saying "Im sorry for ____. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I hope you can forgive me for my stupid mistakes." LIKE COME ON THAT SOUNDS SO FAKE actually i just cant be that serious because im scared of being serious thats why i say "IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IMS OSROYSRYR" i mean it sounds less professional and sounds more stupid and it sounds like im panicking but i genuinely mean it when i say im sorry. maybe i should be more serious guys.

update from kim in 2024: i am a much more serious person and i dont apologize like that anymore do NOT FLAME ME PLEASE. 

now put that context into my social life! what can you tell about my social life by the way i say sorry other than the fact im really bad at saying sorry??? ill give u a list because im so kind

• talks too much like WAY TOO MUCh
• stutters a lot
• anxious and cant speak properly
• really bad at thinking when under pressure OO MAYBE THATS WHY IM BAD AT VALORANT 

When im trying to talk to someone I think the perfect reaction to whatever they said is to stare at them blankly and just be like 😶 because thats how I communicate I mean it doesn't make sense but some people just look at me and get weirded out when I do it but then some people stare back and then we mimic each other's actions but then that doesnt happen with everyone because everyone is different so mostly close friends do what I do when I randomly stare at then ALSO IM ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD AT EYE CONTACT I DONT KNOW WHY IM JUST ABLE TO STARE INTO SOMEONES EYES FOREVER AND EVER EVEN IF THEYRE A STRANGER OR A STUDENT AT MY SCHOOL ILL DO IT TO TRY TO SAY HI WITHOUT SAYING THE WORDS HI OR WHATEVER BUT I'm just able to communicate with my eyes and face rather than my voice I wonder why eye contact is so easy for me I mean it makes me feel powerful when the other person looks away cuz its like I just asserted my dominance (jk) but anyways I love eye contact BUT THEN SOMETIMES I STARE AT SOMRONE FOR TOO LONG AND THEY CATCH ME AND ITS JUST bleh blah blah balsa blah blah you know I could stare at someone forever and just have a full on conversation with them no words needed I would love to do that YOU KNOW EYES ARE ACTUALLY SO PRETY speaking of eyes I should rest mine its really late already

ok i know this blogpost was short but i felt like writing it to let out my feelings and to explain why im really bad at communicating also usually i depend on the OTHER PERSON to start the conversation so if you cant start conversations either we're both screwed sorry

also i like to talk about deeper things so dont try to start that stupid small talk stuff because i HATE HATE HATEEEE!!!! AHTEEEEE HATE HATE HATE SMALL TALK ITS SO AWKAWRD AND IT LEADS US NOWHERE i mean if u want to have a genuine actual conversation with me then CONTINUE ON WITH THE CONVERSATION. i dont want to talk about the weather today or how nice your house is or other USELESS stuff. i want to talk about things you're actually interested in like BE YOURSELF talk about whatever you want because personally i think small talk is like forcing the conversation and forceful conversations are what make social situations awkward to me. unless we're not close and you're just trying to get me warmed up then i think small talk is fine but i think continuing with more interesting topics would be better to become closer OBVIOUSLY or maybe dont take advice from the girl who wrote a whole blog post about how shes super bad at social stuff...