brrly babbles journal entry #3

hey guys! im kinda sad because winter break is coming to an end and i feel like i wasted it all. i dont know but i feel like i shouldve accomplished more over the break. i know it was a break for a reason and therefore i should have enjoyed my time off of work and school but everything feels like a chore to me and like i cant enjoy myself. i feel like im doing everything for college. for example, math olympiad! i love math in general but math olympiad turns math into something that reminds me im not good at anything and that im just a mediocre highschool kid who is a nobody compared to those geniuses. but then again those geniuses worked hard to get to where theyre at but no matter how hard i work i feel like its never enough and i dont feel like my hard work ever amounts to anything so i just dont work hard. i dont even know guys I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE 

lets talk about the things that i did do over winter break to reflect and to make myself feel better because this blog post is getting a bit depressing! 

• i started my project for the girls who code ai x sustainability challenge and i couldn't be more proud of how it looks right now. ill show you guys a screenshot of what it looks like right now but hopefully that isnt against the rules or something or else id be devastated. okay i just checked and its not so let me include a screenshot! im very proud of how it looks because i spent a lot of time doing the css for the swiping page which is displayed in the second and third screenshots. it may be basic but i am happy that i even started my project and that i got this much done so yay

• i finished all of my ap chemistry extra credit and notes for this unit, as well as my lab that is due on monday and online lab. we are currently on unit 6 and i feel pretty confident about the concepts, but our test is soon and i am very scared so i plan to do all of the practice problems in the textbook and then maybe make some videos explaining the concepts, which is the feynman technique! i might post them on youtube simply to get my video count up but probably not.
• i learned a bit of swift! very little though so im not proud of the fact i learned just a tiny bit. ill learn more this week if i have time which i likely will
• i started working on this farming game in godot but i only started yesterday and i did very little. very little as in practically nothing because i just make the file and added in the assets. its okay ill work on it soon. maybe tomorrow because i want to focus on studying for my chemistry retake test thats on the monday we get back from break.
• i did a little bit of prep for the cancer campaign and i am leading with my friends so thats good
• i ran 10 miles for the first time lol it felt good but at the same time i could feel my life being slowly sucked out of my body after each step i took

the thing i did the most over break is very embarrassing and i am not proud at all because if i didnt do this one thing i probably would have reached all my goals. i played valorant like every single day and i played a LOT. i havent played in two years so its easy for me to be addicted because i havent felt this source of dopamine in so long but thats just an excuse for my lack of productivity. i feel so stupid and ashamed of myself because i couldve been so much more productive. i try to excuse it with the fact that im on winter break and i should be enjoying my life but i feel like no matter what i do i cant enjoy my life. trying to have fun and not be productive makes me feel like im wasting my life away when i could be doing something of more value. being productive makes me feel good but burns me out and also makes me feel horrible and tired because i can't take breaks. and when i give myself time to be productive i feel like i should be taking a break because i need it so i can have fun and enjoy my life but i cant enojy my life when im taking braeks so then i just ijowfajisbjnoafwfisb i dont even know anymore guys i dont know hwo to explain it am i just excusing the fact that im a bum and that i just dont wnant to discilpine myself and whaegetwoddvkml

dawg its over ITS OVER WHY CANT I ENJOY MY LIFE okay you know what its okay its fine i got this like its really not that bad and im just stressed and sad beecause i wasnt productive at all today. i ran 8 miles but thats not studying and i need to study. and instead of studying i played valorant with my friends and it wasnt even fun cus i was doing horrible and i mean i like spending time with my friends but when youre absolute dog poop at a game its not very fun! but its okay ill study right now after i finish this blog post. i have a couple of things to say other than the fact that i feel horrible about my life right now!

i kinda miss my life when it was 2021 but then i remember that i had an extremely low self-esteem and it was covid times as well so i didnt go outside much. the lack of sun i got probably affected my mental state considering i didnt get much exercise or vitamin d. oops!! i also felt like i was wasting my time playing games with my friends instead of being smart and studying and doing whatever. the only reason i actually started to get into coding and the reason why i was able to really lock in for my studies was because my laptop broke and it was the only laptop i had that could play valorant. i bought a new laptop but it was a macbook so i couldn't play valorant and it forced me to focus on my other extracurriculars. like dawg was i that addicted to valorant??? LMAO thats kinda funny to think about but honestly i think valorant was feeding in my lack of discipline as well as my fried dopamine receptors #WORSTTIMEOFMYLIFE

anyways im done ranting its time to study bye bye everyone