brrly babbles about the perks of being a wallflower

book babble: perks of being a wallflower

hello and welcome to brrly babbles!! i know it's been a while but i'm going to be starting a book series on this blog because i have been very into reading recently. i read 2 books in one week which has been unheard of from me since middle school summer when i decided to read tons of books and spend all my summer laying on my bed reading for hours at a time. i also remember reading this one book that was praised by some as being super interesting and life-changing or something but it was genuinely so bad to me and maybe there was some hidden darker meaning behind the book that my small pea brain simply couldn't comprehend but genuinely it just felt like it included shock content just to seem like it had a deeper meaning to appeal to the reader but it DIDN'T. 

i had to search the web asking "book that includes a character who gets pregnant with a tapeworm" to find the actual title of the book because i forgot it (and yes that is a part of the story) and it's called things have gotten worse since we last spoke. uh i'm not some genius literary analyst but the dialogue felt really unnatural and the events completely unbelievable like yes shock horror is supposed to shock you because it's unbelievable but the events that happen in the book just don't have the right preceding build up to make the shock have any value or meaning behind it. anyway that is enough of talking about that book because i am here today to talk about the book that got me back into reading after quite a long time aka PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER!!!! 

warning: this is not a review, so don't go in expecting this blog post to convince you to read the book. it is rather a discussion about themes that are discussed in the book and about things i thought about when reading.

lol wait is this book about me

when i first started reading this book i did not expect to relate so closely to charlie aka the main character. as someone one might call a friendgroup floater (although i would argue i don't even have friendgroups to float around), i have always felt out of place no matter how many people i surround myself with. i have always felt more comfortable being on the sidelines, observing people's lives from a distance and absorbing the happiness they feel as my own without having to actually go through what they are experiencing... does that mean sense. like i am used to the feeling of absorbent happiness rather than happiness that is obtained through my own experiences because my imagination of how others are feeling is more comforting than experiencing it myself in case my expectations are too high? essentially i'm trying to say i am the definition of a wallflower!!!

reading about charlie's experience with becoming someone other than a wallflower was really heartwarming and inspiring, and i felt as though i were to one day experience the same thing and was reading about my near future. i really admire people like sam and patrick, who are genuine and intentional with the words they say and the way they live their lives. i was especially inspired by sam who never hid when she was feeling upset and did not put on a facade to appeal to other people's perception of her, which is something i'm still trying to do. 

a specific example would be when she was packing up for college and told charlie to be completely honest with how he felt about not just her (romantically cus he had a fat crush on her), but also about other people. throughout the entire book, charlie is empathetic with others and doesn't always put in his real input on certain situations, thus allowing other people to take control of the wheel and do what they want, unaware that charlie isn't being honest in what he thinks of the situation. i guess this moment really spoke to me because i am like charlie but that's because i don't actually know what i want most of the time. it felt like sam was speaking directly to me rather than to charlie, and the moment i read that part i felt like telling everyone my deepest darkest secrets just to prove that i am authentic and like i was having a crisis about whether or not i am a genuine person

sam and charlie

genuine connections

now that i have slowly started to go into how much i appreciate how genuine and raw sam feels as a character, i would like to begin talking about the importance of genuine connections! throughout the book, we see charlie comment on the superficial nature of other characters' behaviors, such as the old girlfriend (susan) of his old best friend who was once authentic in who she was and wasn't someone who'd turn a blind eye towards people for being out of the ordinary (like charlie). now that she has entered highschool, she seeks the attention of boys constantly and chases popularity thinking it will bring her the happiness she desires. noooooo!!!

there's this one scene in the book where charlie asks her randomly one day when he passes her in the hall if she misses his old best friend (michael) by saying "do you miss him?" and nothing else. like he doesn't even say hi or anything he just straight up asks the question and mind u they haven't talked in like two years so i guess it's normal for her to be weirded out.

susan, aka michael's ex

but i have been asked out-of-the-blue questions before in the same format as charlie's and although it seems strange at first, it feels genuine and honest to ask exactly what you want to ask rather than building up the conversation first. not to bash on building up the conversation first because there's nothing wrong with that but i guess i'm trying to say it's not super strange to also ask a question out of the blue. unless you are asking someone who you haven't talked to in two years whether or not they miss their dead ex boyfriend.

okay i don't know why i just went on a rant about that but i'm trying to say it's a more authentic way to have a conversation, and when i refer to out-of-the-blue questions i mean to refer to being able to say what you want to say. connection feels more genuine in a conversation when both of you are able to say whatever is on your mind and ask whatever you want to ask without filling the conversation with useless filler conversations that you don't care to have and are only having to fill in the silence. in fact, i think silence shouldn't even have to be filled if you're with someone you genuinely connect with!

silence is apart of genuine connections which is why i find it so nice that charlie and sam and patrick would sit in silence together or listen to mixtapes together in the car. their connection felt real because they connected with each other through moments rather than through shared dopamine. to explain what i mean, let us compare going to some place fun and dopamine inducing with your friends in contrast to going on a boring walk with your friends. you may feel happy and excited when in the first scenario but is this because you're with your friends and are enjoying their presence or are you just sharing this experience that you so happen to enjoy with your friends and feel as if you are enjoying their presence although in reality it is simply because you guys are experiencing the same thing at the same time??? if you were to go on a boring walk with nothing to entertain yourselves with but each other's presence, would you still feel the same way?

if your connection is true and genuine, whatever you do with your friends shouldn't matter because your enjoyment comes from their presence alone. the things you experience together should mean something because you get to experience them together and be around each other, not because of the experience itself. for example, tying back to my argument earlier about silence and genuine connections, silence is one of the most boring things you can possibly experience because you are just left alone with your thoughts, so to be comfortable and actually enjoy experiencing this extreme dopamine deficit with other people means to me that you are enjoying their presence and the moment you get to spend with them. 

i personally don't care what i'm doing with my friends because as long as their presence is with me i feel happy and that's what i think constitutes a genuine connection. i think that sacrificing a little of my own enjoyment to do an activity that isn't the most exciting is worth it if it means i get to spend time with someone who i care about

sorry for the yap fest. i was trying desperately to convey what i meant and i'm not sure if i accomplished that but oh well

 

sam and charlie feeling infinite!

my favorite scene is when charlie says they felt infinite while listening to landslide by fleetwood mac which i personally would not feel infinite to because it just doesn't invoke the kind of feeling in me that i would describe as infinite, but regardless, it is still a great scene in the book and an even greater scene in the film adaptation!! i think i would feel very infinite listening to this song ( if i were in the same situation as charlie, going through a tunnel with his friends who he genuinely connects with. sorry i am using genuinely and genuine so much but i GENUINELY (hahahah) don't know what other word to use because there is no other word that rolls off the tongue the same way "genuinely" does. anyway speaking of music i will be moving on to the next section of my book babble!

songs that remind me of this book

• punk as fuck by the american analog system the vibe is just really cute and fits the book really well and it also reminds me of the connection he has with his friends and the love he has for them
• asleep by the smiths this song is mentioned the most out of all the songs in the book so of course it reminds me of the book
• daydream - old house demo by the smashing pumpkins this song is also mentioned in the book
• teenagers by the chain gang of 1974 not sure why it just gives me the same vibe as the emotions i feel when i read and think of this book have
• i wish you wouldn't go by spin it may just be because i found this song on the second day i read (and finished) this book, but this song also reminds me of the ending of the book when every one of charlie's friends are leaving for college and he begins to feel alone again like "i wish you wouldn't go" is something he'd say to not only his friends but also himself i guess like kind of asking himself not to lose who he is as a person as he starts to become a wallflower again

self-reflection that has little to do with the actual book

all of the feelings i stated earlier about questioning the genuinity and authenticity of connections may stem from the fact that i myself am not authentic and genuine in who i am with other people out of the fear that i will not be accepted for who i am, thus feeling like the connections i make with others are not either. also it probably comes from the fact that i actually don't know who i am at all so how will i know i am putting on a facade when i don't even know what i am without the facade? but then again who actually does know?? how do you know who you are and how do you know you've reached that point in your life journey?? maybe i'm just questioning my values too much and i'm thinking too much about who i am but i think it's also because i am open to practically every perspective that i'm not sure which one is my own. i am also very self aware of everything i do and question my intentions behind everything i do all the time so perhaps i am just too introspective. see this is what happens when you're a wallflower because you're surrounded by nothing but your thoughts ALL THE TIME. this is NOT a perk.

conclusion

read the book if anything i said was relatable or interesting or if you want some elaboration on some of my horrible explanations! the book is really easy to read and is like a breath of fresh air as my friend described it. i think it has a sweet message, although some of the themes are depressing and may be triggering, so proceed with caution and remember that i am not a professional literary critic nor am i a crazy good analyst. 

i would also like to conclude by saying that i hope you guys consider being more genuine in who you are and your intentions with other people. not to say you are two-faced or anything although i can't quite assume whatever you are because well...this blog post isn't addressed to anyone (or you) in particular. i believe that once you become more genuine you start to see the truth in what you really want and what brings you joy, and you begin to forget that anyone's judgment ever mattered to you. well at least that's how i feel.

thank you guys for reading! brrly the wallflower OUT!! PEACE!!!

i will feel infinite one day too!