brrly babbles about the bell jar

book babble: the bell jar

* this post contains spoilers so proceed with caution if u don't want to be spoiled. ALSO TW FOR SOME THEMES DISCUSSED IN THE BOOK AND ABOUT SLYVIA PLATH!!!

hi guys and welcome back to another book babble!! today i would like to talk about the bell jar, which i finished about a week and a half ago. forgive me if this post isn't super analytical or doesn't propose a deeper meaning to the book but i don't really care because that's not the point of these blog posts anyway. i am simply here to write about my thoughts of the book and whatever other thoughts i had that were provoked by what i read in the post or whatever other topic i want to talk about because this is brrly babbles and i can babble about whatever i want!! see, i just did!!!

background info

a little background on slyvia plath (aka the author of this book and a renowned poet) before we start would be nice. the book is essential auto fiction, which is a genre that is a recount of some of the author's own experiences but mixed with some fictional elements that did not actually happen in the author's life to either conceal details/maintain privacy or just to make the story more interesting and compelling for readers. thus, this means that the events that play out in the bell jar were plath's actual experiences and i didn't realize how closely this book was to her life until i read her wikipedia page. her entire life timeline is practically in the book in the same order, up to the point where she started...yk...writing the book itself. 

i recommend you read the wikipedia page on her because i am scared to get details wrong about her life and upset people but i think the main thing you should know is that she struggled with depression, especially during her college years, and committed suicide at the age of 30. she was also domestically abused by her husband who she divorced thank goodness, ted hughes. he also cheated on her and left her with their two kids. 

knowing this background information makes me feel more connected to the book because this is how she actually felt, and this book is practically like a modified journal of hers. it also makes me sad knowing she felt like there was no other option to deal with her depression. she seemed happy to those around her, especially with all of the new poetry and stories that she was writing at the time. 

it was unexpected for those around her when she committed and that acts as a big reminder to me that you never know what someone's going through and not to make harmful assumptions. this piece of advice has lost its meaning because people say it all the time, but we really need to start putting it into practice and being more conscious of our own thoughts and behaviors because u never know, truly. this isn't even pertaining to just depression or anxiety either, you never know the true reason behind someone's intentions and actions so just be mindful of that if you aren't already!

the rest of the details of her life leading up to this point will kind of be described by the book so i'm just gonna stop there

anyway, the main character is esther greenwood who is 19 yrs old and the story starts off with her in new york. she's in new york because of a very prestigious summer program (i think it was a program at least) where she and 11 other girls are working as editors for some women's fashion magazine. the main plot of the story details her struggles with mental health, societal expectations for women (this was set in the 1960's), and her identity. 

LOL WAIT THIS BOOK IS LIT ABOUT ME

first the perks of being a wallflower and now this book! crazy...almost like i chose these books because i knew there'd be some element in them that i'd find relatable...

the most significant part of this book that made me realize that i was going to be relating to it a lot was when she talked about how she didn't know where she wanted to go in life, and described her life as though she were following a road with telephone poles that marked each year of her life. she said that the telephone poles ended at 19 and past that, the telephone poles disappeared and the wires were all jangled up. essentially this means she can't envision where she'll be in the future or has no hope for the future. she's unsure of what will happen next and i think she's also afraid. i also intepreted this as her feeling like she's reached her peak in life and that there's nothing left for her to reach, to become, or to pursue.

now to those who now me, i seem like i have my life together and that i know exactly what i want to do with my life! up until i think the beginning of this year, i thought i was certain i knew as well. however, and i'm not sure how this even happened, i've started feeling like maybe the future i was so certain about isn't something i can achieve or even want. like esther and slyvia plath, i feel like i've reached the point in my life where i've done everything in a great effort to feel proud of my achievements but i still haven't reached that place because my achievements don't feel like they're worth anything at this point and i'm not sure when they will feel worth something. furthermore, because of what i perceive as my failed attempts at achieving, it feels like even if i continue to try, my efforts will go to waste because i don't actually know what i want to achieve anymore and i'll never be as good as those who've already achieved these things and have realized their truth. i know it's not true that i'm behind but of course the feeling still lingers in the heart even when the brain is being reasonable. i want to achieve greatness but i don't know how and i don't even know why i want to achieve greatness so essentially i don't know anything anymore and what once put structure into my otherwise messy and disorganized life turned out to have been made of cardboard all along so i really have nothing to hold onto anymore to guide me through life

with that being said i just wanted to add that there is more to me than my future and my success and the college i'll supposedly get into and my reputation and my grades like i am a human being and i don't want to be held up to any standard because i am just like everyone else. take this as a reminder to not use other people as tools of comparison cus we are all just people trying to live life and nobody's better than the other. unless the other is a murderer or something then yea maybe...

sorry got a little personal there but i'm okay with being vulnerable if it means i can convey what i mean and i didn't really detail anything super specific to my life anyway! this also relates to another topic i want to discuss in another blog post which is about the importance of vulnerability so hopefully i'll have the motivation to write about that another day.

anyway i think the way i feel is exactly what esther feels which is why i went into such detail! esther was really ambitious and hardworking from what i can tell (and because plath was as well). she had big aspirations and got into a super prestigious program for writers and worked super hard to get the things she wanted, but i'm guessing that her feelings started to become realized because of other things relating to her identity. like i mentioned earlier, this book was set in the 1960's, so the gender roles imposed onto women were quite strict and limited their career options, which directly conflicts with esther's dreams of being a super duper awesome and accomplished women in literature. she also feels conflicted with her romantic and platonic relationships with other people and has a complicated relationship with sex. 

esther's relationship with sex

i think this complicated relatoinship with sex comes from the fact that women were supposed to be pure and cover themselves up all the time in the 1960's, but the same expectation wasn't imposed on men and it was super unfair which is part of the reason why she so vehemently tries to get rid of her v card but also sees it as something precious. she saw it as precious because of the environment in which she was raised and the voices of her community engraving this belief into her brain, and started to try and get rid of it because she wanted to be alleviated from those beliefs. essentially she wanted freedom from societal pressure and felt like this was her chance to achieve some new perspective in life. also i realized this section is pointing out the fact that i relate to the book a lot and i would like to explicitly state i do not relate to this part specfically thank you very much ✌️

friendships, societal pressures, and the famous fig tree

i think what also complicated her sense of identity was her friendships. there's this girl at the beginning that represents the rebellious against the status-quo kind of girl and then the other girls adhered to the gender stereotypes and practiced the demeanor that they were taught to follow. esther prefered to hangout with the rebellious girl because duh she wants freedom but (i might've intepreted this wrong) she feels like she could never attain that level of a carefree attitude and sporadic lifestyle. in fact i think she feels like she's not good enough to pursue either direction and that also brings into discussion the famous fig tree metaphor plath uses to describe her anxiousness about the future and stuff

each fig of the tree represents a different life path that esther could pursue but she doesn't know which one to choose and continues to think under the tree about what will be the right choice but by the time she's done thinking all of the figs will have fallen off and rot because she took so much time to decide. this relates to how I THINK she feels that she's out of time because she's super anxious about her time to decide what path she wants to pursue ending soon and like there is no future for her if she doesn't choose NOW and like wow #relatable. 

when i first heard about this metaphor i related it to how i felt suffocated by the fact that i had so many interests that i wanted to pursue and yet wasn't a master at any of them. this made me feel like i couldn't establish my own identity because i wanted something i could say was "my thing" but now i don't really care as much. now that i've reached a different stage in life, this metaphor plays a different role or should i say a different part of the metaphor relates to my life now. instead of the figs being on the tree and growing and displaying different futures i can pursue, they've already all fallen to the group and rotted away and now i'm left with an empty tree! i don't entirely feel that way though. i know that my future isn't entirely gone but the fig i thought i wanted seems like its been poisoned this whole time and all the other figs aren't as desirable as the ones i could've chosen had i not chosen the poisoned one!

and also how she feels like she has no roadmap in life to follow anymore now that she's practically on her own. from elementary to highschool you are told what decisions are right and wrong and the grades act as a guide to what level you're on as if life were a video game. however as you enter college this guide fades and you realize life is NOT a video game and there are NO levels to determine where you're headed or what to expect next because that's just life.  and like wow again #relatable

i am not as worried that i will have no roadmap to follow once i'm in college because i think it'll honestly be liberating and make me feel happier but at the same time i am definitely worried about whether or not i'm doing the right thing. like there are no objective indicators that will let me know whether or not i'm doing something right. my grades kind of play that role right now but as life goes on there are no more indicators other than i guess your happiness. i think i am content with that idea but then how do you know when you've reached the level of happiness you were supposed to. 

the bell jar metaphor

there's also the metaphor with her feeling trapped inside a bell jar, where she's observing other people live their lives and achieve their dreams and do the thing she was going to do as well but can't do because well she's trapped. the bell jar also suffocates her inside and represents depression and also hopelessness and i think feeling numb and the inability to actually change your life around even if you so desparately want to because again you can think a certain way in your head but you can't get just rid yourself of the feeling. 

i like dis book cus relatable

sorry this is kind of a short and stupid subsection but i just wanted to very directly state that i liked this book mainly because i found it relatable and put into words the very complicated feelings i was having. i specifically wanted to state this because the story is not the most compelling or chair gripping but it is one of the most comforting because the feelings i once thought were too complicated and out of control to describe have been characterized exactly by the words of a woman who lived almost a century before me and that is very comforting to me. i know now i am not crazy in how i feel and i've stopped trying to fool myself into thinking that i've been pretending to feel this way because it's not so unbelievable that i could feel this way if slyvia plath and hundreds of thousands of other readers also feel this way so yea. depressing yet comforting book!

songs that reminded me of this book

• i know by fiona apple. i found this song through a playlist that was made for reading the bell jar and i listened to it on repeat for a bit towards the beginning of the book. then for the rest of the book i listened to literally only ONE song and that's the next one. this song reminds me of the book because it feels very sad with the minor chords and also the slow tempo and quiet of the song. the quietness and slow pace makes me feel like i'm isolated and that i'm starting to give up or like i'm numb. listen to the song to understand what i'm saying i'm really bad at describing atmospheres and stuff like that
• takes one to know one by the beaches. this song doesn't even match the vibe of the book or relates to any topic in the book but i think the reason why i refused to listen to any other song except this one while reading a majority of the book was because it has this underlying melancholy tone but is hidden under an upbeat and fast rhythm which i think describes how i feel and since i saw the bell jar as something relatable, i also listened to something relatable while reading it. also it just reminds me of esther for some reason probably cus of what i said earlier about melancholic undertones. the fact this song is rock too also reminds me of how esther wanted to break out of societal standards and wanted to break out of her bell jar and be free from not just her sadness but also from everything i guess. kind of how i feel too i just want to be free and i guess this song relays that message even though the meaning of the song is completely diff LOL its about how relationships are complicated and you and your partner both have flaws that you should learn to accept rather than antagonizing each other
• good looking by suki waterhouse. i kind of don't know many songs with the same vibe as the book but this is one of the only ones i know does. i don't exactly listen to music that makes me feel the numbing kind of sadness

conclusion

read this book if you've been struggling with describing the way you feel especially if it's related to your future and feeling hopeless and isolated. now do be warned this book has quite the triggers u want to watch out for, especially if consuming media like this triggers bad thoughts in ur mind. i'm not entirely sure why in my experience it was more comforting than triggering but i think it's because it made me feel like i'm not alone in how i feel but for others it might instill intrusive thoughts that could trigger a bad reaction and negative emotions, because maybe they already know what and why they feel a certain way and don't want to be reminded of those reasons. well actually i did feel kind of more sad when i was reading this book but in the end i felt more comfort and the sadness probably came from realizing my own emotions in the process of reading so yea there's that! since i dont know my own reasoning for why this wasn't triggering for me and therefore cannot give u advice on whether or not this might be a triggering read for u, just proceed with caution and think about whether the mental state ur in is ready to read such a book.

i also want to leave u guys with a reminder to always check on ur peers and also to check in on yourself because it's okay to feel. your feelings are real and you're not tricking yourself or anything, listen to your heart when it's trying to tell u something because maybe it's right and don't judge yourself for feeling that way either. that also goes for other people! don't judge them for feeling a certain way or assume their mental state. like with me! i know i seem like i have my life under control and that i seemingly know exactly what i want to do with my future and that i seem like i'll get into some good college but i actually really don't know anything right now and that's okay!

okay that's all i have to say thank you for reading. brrly is out of the bell jar and out of this blog!