brrly babbles about how horrible having a crush on someone is

this blog post is EXACTLY what you think its about. i am sick and tired guys. i cannot do this anymore. oh my gosh guys i hacked the system i just edited the date now NOBODY will know when this was actually written MUAHAHAHHA!!!! even if you figure it out i don't really care because nobody reads my blog posts and by the time someone finds this it's going to be ancient so like...it's also hidden in the depths of my other blog posts because the date is changed MUAHAHAHAHAH 

anyways oh my god i actually can't do this anymore guys it's horrible i just want to be able to live my normal happy life and frankly i am a pretty happy person. well today i was a bit tired and annoyed (i took a 2 hour nap) so i wasn't very happy but i spent a lot of time with family and i will look back to this day and appreciate the moments i had with my family even if i was tired and didn't want to deal with my cousins' mischief. anyways back to the main topic. 

i've made at least 3 playlists dedicated to this being and like come on now is it ever that serious? it's never been this serious until NOW. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!!!! and i think this is the most i've ever felt for someone too. maybe it's because we're close friends and share a lot in common so we hang out a lot and because he has so many admirable traits like how could i not guys this is so funny 😂 i was just KIDDING THIS IS NOT FUNNY. even on the freaking plane i was thinking about him the entire time. and you know how long i was on the plane? 21 hours. don't play with me. well i slept for a bit so that doesn't count but i've had so many dreams about him it's not freaking funny. and it feels so REAL TOO i just get so sad when i wake up like what do you mean he didn't ACTUALLY kiss me on my forehead and hug me because i was scared. context is that we were in a dark restaurant or something i don't really remember but i VIVIDLY remember the romantic part...obviously. honestly i'm okay if he just wants to be friends because let's be real guys do i really want to date while i'm focused on my academic life?? but at the same time i want him SO BADLYYYYYUHHHHhh you know what no!!! NONONO!! 

oh my gosh but guys i've been holding back from telling anyone about this WELL a couple of my friends know i like him because i told them but i haven't been telling them about how badly i want him because they think i'm slowly getting over him but no guys...that is not happening any time soon...i am in too deep it's been almost 6 months since i've liked him and next thing i know it's going to be a YEAR. i fear that if i go into deep detail about specific things i'm going to be exposed but it's not like anyone is even going to find this post and if i really regret posting it i'll just archive it like...LOL OKAY SPECIFIC DETAILS TIME

i remember when he gave me a bike helmet because i had just moved close to my school and he also lives close to the school so he biked over to my house so we could bike together and have FUN!! and i didn't have a bike helmet so he gave me his old one and i was very happy. i look incredibly ugly in it but it's whatever i will cherish that darn helmet!!! 

i also remember when we went rollerskating alone together and i was very scared because it was just the two of us and i didn't want him to think i was making a move on him. well i wasn't trying to but the context to why we went rollerskating was because we hungout at the library and then we biked around and then we went to the bowling center and he was like "i want to bowl!!!!!!" but then they were a long as wait time so i was like "let's just bike to the rollerskating center muahahah!" but he didn't want to that day because it was ap season and he needed to study and it was getting late so he said next week when ap testing was over and i was like "YAYYYYYY YIPPPEEEEEEE" in my head and when the time came he was like "do you want to invite anyone else it might be weird with just the two of us" and i told him he could invite anyone he wanted and i don't think we invited anyone else because honestly i was just too lazy too but i also wanted to just be with him but like BUT LIKE BUT LIKE guys it was mostly because i was lazy i swear. well actually maybe not okay i should stop lying to myself. anyways yea we skated but nothing romantic happened because we're just friends! i liked skating though i hadn't gone skating in a long time. 

we also went to a fest together and it was also just the two of us and we both didn't realize how expensive the rides were so we paid 5 dollars for NOTHING!! personally i don't think it was for nothing because i got to spend time with him but uhmmm that's just me. since we couldn't do anything we left and we walked to my house so i could get my bike and we could bike around together and i thought i was locked out but then i saw my mommy in the window and i genuinely jumped up and said "OMG MOMMY!!!!" like wow the cartoons don't lie like i thought humans don't actually jump up and down when they're excited but i do so i guess i'm a cartoon character. then we biked to get drinks and i was a very happy woman that day. my friend also saw us but i didnt see her even though she called out my name multiple times and then she took pictures of us and let's just say i saved them LOOLOLOL i was so happy that day i love biking so much especially with him it's very calming and nice well i don't bike with anyone else but i love biking i wish my other friends would bike with me too

i also remember the day i accepted that i had feelings for him because if i'm going to be real with you guys i thought i had feelings for him like a long long time ago but i didn't think anything of it because i was like "nahhh we're just super similar and we hang out a lot like there's no way!" but uhhhhh then i realized i did like him so here we are now. anyways we were on spring break and i invited him to go to the library with me and it was just the two of us the entire week in the library cus we're just nerds like that. we were in the quiet room and i was studying chemistry because i am an academic weapon and also because i didn't want to fail ap chem. i was looking at the periodic table and i was like "wouldn't it be cool if someone made a poster asking someone out with the periodic elements? i wish someone would ask me out like that it's so cute!! so nerdy!!" idk what i said exactly but it was about posters, the periodic table, and romance. i also wasn't hinting at anything i just genuinely thought it'd be a cute and good idea especially if the both ppl in a relationship like chemistry and are both nerds. i don't remember what he said either but then we started looking at the periodic table together to look for the elements that would be put on the poster and we found that the periodic table does not have the sufficient letters to make a poster spelled purely out of elements. while that was happening our arms were touching and i don't think he noticed they were but that was the exact moment i realized i liked him

there was also this one time we went biking around mile square park after the library i believe and he said "i've never done this with any of my closest friends" and i was like "aw" and i was very glad that i could be there to bike with him because i don't think he has any other friends that bike either so yayyyyyy he's happy that we bike together!! but anyways we came across a baseball and we stopped biking to play around with it. we played catch and it was very fun except for the fact that he threw it near my leg one time and i think i got a bruise but it's okay it was an accident obviously...hopefully. that baseball is now safe on my desk right next to my monitor because it reminds me of that very special day with him 

oh my gosh guys one time he put his arm around me because i was scared at the park i am still amazed at how i kept my composure well actually i just froze up and was thinking about how his wound might be hurting since he scraped his arm pretty badly and i was scared that he was rubbing his injury against me just to make me feel safe like no it's okay king. for context we were running at the park late at night and after a good ol' four miles we decided to walk another four to talk and have fun because talking late at night is fun and we saw a cool smoke thing in the sky and i took an awesome photo on his phone but anyways i was a bit paranoid because it was really dark and there weren't many lights around us and he was like "it's okay nothing will happen to you" and i had never heard him in that tone before so i was like wow, you know?? i think he did it twice actually i blanked out a couple of times like can you really blame me. the first time i don't remember how it happened but it happened and we were on the third mile back. the second time the city lights went out when we were super close to my mom's car and i think he thought i was really scared cus i kind of screamed but i wasn't THAT scared but then he put his arm around me so....a win is a win then i drove him home because i was worried that he would get kidnapped and the walk home would be very long and dark and scary and i didn't want him to get hurt and he was already injured well more like scabbed and bruised but not like disabled but you know what i mean guys

also guys i confessed to him lol it was very nerve wrecking and it was the first time i confessed to someone in person and i'm glad i did it because i wanted to get it off my chest so badly and i just wanted him to know. he told me he thinks im smart and really cute and kind and genuine but he likes our relationship as friends right now and i was very surprised that he thought that of me because personally i think he's the smartest and most genuine person i've ever met and i wouldn't say i'm very smart but i'm glad he thinks i am. it's also not that awkward now like we can talk to each other but the fact that i still like him makes me feel guilty because another reason why i confessed was because i was hoping i'd get over him after confessing and not seeing him for a month but it hasn't worked so far and its been a month sooooooooooo likeeeeeeeee... i've tried to get over him three times before the confession too so maybe i'll get over him in 2 years?? i feel guilty for the fact that i might be ruining our friendship if i continue having feelings for him but i'll just conceal them and not make a move like how i did before i confessed to him! it's okay i'm a busy woman this year anyway so i won't have much time to make moves on him okay but just because i'm a busy woman doesn't mean i don't think a lot about him like i've had a lot to do this summer and i still like him i think it's just me okay whatever i don't even care moving on 

ANYWAYS our schedule is really similar like if he was taking the same math level as me and the same extracurricular and the same language level then we'd have the exact same schedule. like all of our classes would the same except they're different levels and teachers. we will be passing each other in the halls quite a lot so i'm not looking forward to that since i want to get over him WELL not really it's fine i don't care UNLESS he starts to talk about another girl then i will indeed want to get over him but right now i think i'm okay...not really!!!! he's also learning guitar i'm very very excited to see how that goes because guitar is the best instrument ever. guys i recently learned the entire first solo of back in black and i'm so happy that i can kind of sorta play it because this is the first solo i've ever learned. 

i also keep looking at these photos we've taken together because sometimes late at night i am the only one awake and i get scared so i look at the photos we've taken and i calm down. it sounds a little creepy now that i'm saying it but i mean it with good intentions. i look at photos with my other friends too so stop it! but guyssssssssssssssss the photos are so cute the memories are so nice!! i love photos thank god i took them!!!! theres one where im wearing heart glasses and we're in the library and it was before i started to like him so the photo was like foreshadowing my fate! i like him and he doesn't like me!!!! how silly nilly i don't care tho it's okay as long as we're friends

guys i don't want to say i'm in love with him but honestly i think its succumbing to that like i know it's probably not that serious but even though he makes me mad sometimes and i don't like some of his characteristics (i have some of them myself lololol) i still accept that he is who he is and i like that! love that! whatever! maybe it's because we're close friends. okay i love him as a friend and maybe more but i know for a fact i love him as a friend like i genuinely love love him as a friend he's such a great friend and he's so kind and i like having deep conversations with him like i've never done that with anyone before except him well i have but online and it's even better in person. and i can sit in silence with him and i'm glad he can sit in silence with me too. and he does a lot of things that i do so i have another person to do the things i enjoy with and it's very nice! he is a great friend so maybe i'm in love with him as a friend. okay who cares if i say i'm in love with him romantically like kill yourselves i can say and feel whatever i want to losers

okay song time! here are some songs that remind me of him (i've cried to one of them it's very funny to think about)

• head over heels by tears for fears and this one especially reminds me of him because i know he likes oldies and this song
• leading me on but i'm not mad about it by remy
• somewhere only we know because he told me it was his favorite song once and it used to be mine too
• wings by phum viphurit and soyoon
• everytime by ariana grande
• throwaway by clairo and sg lewis GOSH i love this song so much!!! and i'm fallingggg soooo hardd for youuuu
• how was your day? by clairo and mellow fellow because i know he likes to be asked about his day and i knew he liked talking about what he did in a day but i didn't really like KNOW IT until a friend told me to keep asking about his day so i guess i will
• a friend by galdive
• we can't be friends by ariana grande
• we're not just friends by parks, squares, and alleys
• infrunami by steve lacy
• what am i by mahalia
• backburner by niki
• close to you by gracie abrams
• boyfriend by ariana grande and the social house
• somebody else by the 1975
• fallingforyou by the 1975
• from the start by laufey
• right side of my neck by faye webster
• sofia by clairo. ik this is a wlw song i'm sorry let me enjoy it please. it's just the vibe of the song that reminds me of how i feel for him i swear please don't cancel me
• hold on, we're going home by drake and majid jordan
• i can see you by taylor swift
• someone to spend time with by los retros

there's more i'm just too lazy. it's been an hour and a half since i started this too so i think it's time i stop before i write a very very very long blog post. maybe one day i'll show him this to let him know that i didn't just LIKE him, i LIKE LIKED him. like LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKED him. maybe he'll feel the same one day too and that'll be the reason i show him this but uhhhhhhhh otherwise probably not cus confessing was already a huge step for me so showing him EVERYTHING is a little overboard.